South Carolina

Day 15 of living in Charleston. It hasn't been easy, but I think I'm slowly assimilating. I've gotten used to "dipping" and I've grown accustomed to the twists and curves they call streets here. I've become a better runner, and I've gotten into the routine of things. Although, despite me getting used to it, I've come to realize this place is not for me. I don't want to go to a college where I have to constantly doubt the reasons I'm there. I want to go to college where I feel motivated and am happy to be there. A lot of the kids that come here have not yet matured, but me, I'm way past that point. I know who I am, and I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I still have some time here, but I can't wait to go home.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

18

I turned 18 yesterday. According to my government I'm an adult now. My parents are no longer legally responsible for me. I can buy tobacco and tobacco related products now. I can gamble now. I can go to a strip club now. I can pay for sex in Nevada now. I can vote now. I can be drafted now. Of course this is all within a legal context. My age never really stopped me from doing anything before, it's just now the government approves of it. I really don't feel any different.

They say the minutes crawl, but the years have wings. I couldn't agree more.

I've dropped a lot of my beliefs now.

I think I'm falling off of a cliff of security, and now I just don't know what to do with myself.

This is 18? I've put a lot behind me. I accomplished a few things. I've had multiple jobs, multiple cars, I graduated high school, I'm currently enrolled in college, and yet I still have no fucking clue as to what I really want.

Anyways, I can safely say that this world is a big place, opportunity galore, and it's time for me to experience some new things and accomplish a few more goals.

My bucket list is slowly shrinking.

Pheonix

This is cool. I think I'm slowly starting to become more of a blogger. I'm probably going to look back on these writings when I'm old and gray and reminisce over the memories that it brings.

I got carded trying to buy a blunt today, I thought it was total bullshit. I'm literally 12 days away from being 18 and besides that I've been buying tobacco & alcohol for a long time now, usually without any problems. Hell I've bought way worse than that before. Guns are cheap on the south side. If I really wanted to I'm sure I could buy the city itself. (One day haha) My point is that some guy carded me for trying to buy a Vega and I thought it was a very upsetting. All I did was go to the liquor store a couple blocks down, and that guy was cool, but still I thought it was ridiculous that we have these laws that just serve as a detriment to the people of this city.

Anyhow, I think I'm going to start making some real change in my life. I leave to Charleston in a couple days. This trip is going to be a trip lol

It's weird how I can be so observant of my attitude and outlook on life and how it changes depending on a variety of different factors. Fuck it, apathy is taking control right now.

The Space Time Continuum

In this space and time, there lives a person named Andrew.

Andrew lives in Chicago, where he was born and raised. He is intelligent and has a good natured heart.

Andrew had a really fucked up childhood, but he is grateful for that. You see, if Andrew was just handed everything he would've never learned how to be independent. Now that he is older, Andrew can focus on achieving his real goals in life.

Andrew has a good life, but he is also looking to better himself. He keeps up with the times, but nothing really seems important enough for him to do anything other than become a better person and continue to grow his base.

Andrew is a guy who has problems, as we all do, but he is also a problem solver. Given some time, Andrew can solve almost any problem. Only time is not to be underestimated. There a limited supply, and Andrew doesn't want to waste it.

In this space and time, are you willing to help Andrew on his quest to make a better world? I'm sure if your nice he'll gladly return the favor.

The Days

Another unproductive Sunday. I chilled with friends today. I experienced something I never did before. My mind was definitely somewhere else. Although I'm never one to lose control, and, accordingly, I kept it cool. I laughed a lot, but that was just low key exercise for my abs lol I really feel like I accomplished something today, even though I really didn't accomplish much at the end of the day. I'm really going to miss Allyson, and Chicago in general, but I'm looking forward to a military lifestyle. I feel like I'll be a lot more productive once there. Either way, I look forward to a good week.

Things

I've been feeling really lost lately. I really never had a serious relationship with anyone. Sometimes when people tell me how I've been doing good and how I'm good at this and that, I just drown them out as insincere or motivated by a hidden agenda. My family, particularly my dad, is proud of my acceptance into The Citadel. I am too. Only, they don't realize that nothing has changed in me. People look at me differently, but that's them changing, not me. Although, there might be some minor aspects that changed, my personality, and my ability to do well, hasn't changed. There was a point when everybody was ready to give up on me and disown me and all that negative crap. My mother would tell me everyday how she would've been better off getting an abortion. Yeah, I was sad, but I still had shit to do, and I did it. Now that I achieved something everyone wants to get behind me again, and I feel it's too late. The only person who was there for me when I needed someone was myself. I had nobody to rely on except my own will power. It was sink or swim, and I fucking swam.

Still though, I've always wanted a real woman who can make me feel good, and I've yet to find one. Call me a hopeless romantic, without the romance. I just want an attractive girl who I can sleep with, but will also be my friend when I need one. Everyone is your friend when you're friendly, but when you are down and out, gloom as doom, who cares enough to sit beside you and just share in your despair. For me, it's no one. But there's still hope. I got time. I ain't worried, well I am, but I'm pretty sure I'll find somebody.

Funny side note; I met this girl, and she seems cool, but then I realized she's a moron, and she's only semi-attractive, and that's when I was drinking too. So I think I'm going to just let her do her thing. The sex wasn't too bad, but I'm looking for more than that.

Fuck it! I'm going to Charleston baby!

Saturday

I'm cool, you're cool, they're cool, we're cool. This is one planet, we all share it. Life is everywhere, this isn't Mars, you don't have to look hard to find life here, in fact we'll look hard to find you.

I have random thoughts, they're all connected, as is everything, but sometimes they go by really fast, like really fast, and sometimes, a lot of times actually, I never communicate these thoughts to anyone, and thus they are lost to time as they fade away in the back of my mind.

I'm simply complicated. I'm complicatedly simple. I'm me. Although I'd like to say I could care less what others think, but that's the furthest thing from the truth. In fact, I care a lot about what others think, obviously some a little more than others, but I will never stop caring.

I saw a lot of guys treating girls like objects yesterday, and the girls loved it too. It reminds me of the song "Sweet Dreams" by Eurythmics. "Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you." My point is that I don't think I could treat someone I care about in such a way where I would just blatantly dismantle any confidence they had. Like when I'm talking about the girl I'm sitting next to and I'm describing her on the phone I don't refer to her as "some bitch" I call her by name, and if I don't know her name I ask it, because I care. But anywho, some women like that, and I'm a believer in the philosophy of "Live and let live."

So I've been doing a lot of bad things to myself lately. Nothing serious, but still enough to cause concern. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I am a little unhappy with my life right now. I know the future holds promise, but I'm inpatient so I sit and think and damn, do I think.

I like to ramble, as I've said I have a lot of random thoughts.

I have problems, as we all do. But I like to solve problems, so I'm trying to solve this problem I have, which is finding a good woman that cares about me, and I'm having a hard time doing so.

I'm 17 what the hell am I doing catching feelings? I should be fucking, drinking & smoking. Well I should be doing it a little more happily.

I'm going to the military. I can't wait. I hate high school. I hate these teachers that act like they care when they would never talk to me if it wasn't their job to do so. I hate putting on a show for people, and lately I've been doing it a lot more than usual lately.

I'm still trying to get over this girl I like, but I'll never get over her. There will always be a reserved seat in my heart, mind & soul for her. She knows it, but she just won't ever see me the way I see her. And like I said, because I care so much about others, I want her to be happy, and if that's at the cost of me being unhappy, well I'm not selfish and I know what's what.

Anywho, I like to get mentally distorted, legally & illegally. Sometimes I'll go days straight without sleep. I feel like I accomplish so much. Sometimes I'll go days in my bed, and I feel like shit. Ahh fuck it. Like I said I have a lot of random thoughts, and no purpose.

So Happy Day to all my fellow creatures.